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all hail this heartless heartbreaker!
Just in case this needs to be told...
Well, anyone that knows me very well will know I have changed my life around for the better lately, I am in love and completely happy (or was...) with my boyfriend/fiance, Ricky. We've known each other for over a year now and have been dating for going on seven months but things were perfect at first but are starting to go downhill recently since his nephew moved in with us...If you don't really know much about my love life and relationship, please check out this page about me and Ricky to learn more about us and our relationship and of course, before reading this. You can also go into the Information section and just click on the category labeled Love Life...I've been having the worst past few days...it's been over a week now but I'm not really sure what is going on between me and Ricky, but it is breaking my heart...I am going to only disclose THE TRUTH and nothing but and I will also try and keep it on an outlook from both sides of view between me and him because no matter how wrong he is, I still try and put myself in his shoes or anybody's shoes really with situations like this...So in case I need to put the truth out there, here it is;
I already know this is going to have the possibility to be a book, so just warning you all ahead of time that I’m about to write a novel. But it really is too long of a story to leave too much out anyway but this isn’t just a story, it’s the facts and 100% truth on what happened between me and my was-be soulmate that I really thought was ‘the one’. I just would like to straighten a few things out in case somebody does decide to maybe bad mouth me because it was their side of the story so before everyone goes getting the wrong opinion and told a bunch of lies, I can give you both right here and set these facts straight right now. Plus, I will not lie to you, I am pretty upset, angry and confused (and most of all heartbroken!) about this whole situation or really what happened between us near the end of it.
Here’s the thing; Anybody that knew or seen me and Ricky when we first got together can tell you that it was for the most part absolutely perfect and looked to be the beginning of a happy fairytale ending. And if you thought just seeing it was perfect, you should have been there and walked in our shoes; I know for the both of us I can honestly say when we had first met, there was an immediate attraction between the two of us and we had been infatuated with each other since then. We met when he lived in WilkesBarre, but he had met my then close friend and room mate, Nicole first then she brought me and introduced us. We got along instantly, he played guitar and I would sing or we would just be chatting all night. Eventually, Nicole’s jealous got in the way for a little bit, but even though it would seem that spark was short lived, me and Ricky eventually reconnected a few months later when I moved back to Berwick and he had moved to Bloomsburg, which was closer to me yet. Because of some foul drama with Nicole, it was a bit rocky at first and we took it slow, just by hanging out with each other for days straight and rekindling the spark that we had, picking up where we had left off in a way. After some minor road bumps and cutting ties with certain people, places and things, we finally made it official around late June/early July and we couldn’t have been happier. Everything was absolutely perfect in that awesome little one bedroom efficiency more in the back of the country and right off of a farm in Bloomsburg. Well it was for a few months…
Me and Ricky had fell hard for one another; well I can’t really speak for him, I can only go by his words, what he had told me and how he made me feel. But also the way he acted and expressed his feelings proved so back then. We were insupportable and eventually I slowly moved in, and we fell more in love every day that passed. The minute he would come home from work, he would maybe cook or do a couple errands or chores and eventually we would be spending our nights just talking for hours, watching movies, spending time with each other and ending cuddled up to one another and in each other’s arms all night. It was summer time too so we had a lot of fun things to go out and do and we would; like shopping, going out to eat or finding plans to just go out and have a good time while spending time with each other. But I miss these days mainly because when I think about them, I still get the butterflies in my stomach and the same feeling I had back when I experienced it and was first really falling for him…Plus I remember when we could just hang with each other, talk for hours and watch movies or go out and that was enough for both of us. We were fine for a while like that…and it was pretty much routine for a little bit. We expressed that we felt like we had never been ‘in love’ before we met each other and that we never felt that way about anybody else…I knew he would drink at night and had his problems like running away from his home state of California because he was dealing with his mother’s passing only two years before and didn’t want to really go back and deal with it…But I was going through a lot too you could say at the time, since Ricky was my final push that motivated me to take a chance and live life and actually do the right thing and get my act cleaned up and together so I started going to my methadone clinic and living sobriety but it grew hard on me because you wouldn’t think there are consequences to getting clean; trust me, there are. I had numbed my emotions with opiates and pain pills for the previous two going on three years and now I didn’t really understand or remember how to control them or handle certain feelings or situations anymore so I was pretty much an emotional mess over time.
If only it would have lasted longer, but unfortunately it seems all good things come to an end apparently in my life…But I mean, in most any relationship, the beginning is always the best part. Especially the butterflies and the falling in love and getting to know and grow and become close with one another. But one day Ricky told me his sister had bought his nephew out in California (since that’s where him and his family are from) plane tickets and was sending him to live with Ricky. Well, this is what Ricky had told me anyway so in his version; before he could even give his sister the ‘okay’, the trip was already scheduled and a done deal. Ricky explained he lived with me, his girlfriend and we only had a one bedroom efficiency but Ricky made sure I was okay with the idea of his nephew coming out since he did indeed miss his family and I understand; I would be so home sick too….But we had agreed that it would most likely only be temporary and just for a month or a few. And if it would be longer and we felt we needed more room, we would go looking for a bigger place to live. But he said it would be no more than a year. So when his nephew came, I did notice that me and Ricky were not close or spending as much time which I understand at first since he missed his nephew…but eventually it seemed like he was slowly replaced me with his nephew and we wouldn’t do the things we used to or spend the time together as much. Even when I tried mentioning it, whether he did something about it or not, it would eventually just go right back to him growing more close to his nephew. But I waited patiently in hopes that it would just go back to normal between us eventually.
How wrong I was. We had an awesome new start though and moved closer to Ricky’s work in Danville. After much house hunting, we finally found what seemed like a perfect three bedroom half double and we had gotten all new furniture and eventually moved in and all was great at first. Once we all got situated in the new, bigger place, I kept noticing after a month and a half to two months that me and Ricky still seemed to be drifting apart and growing more distant. Not on my fault, since I would always be the one trying to bring it up to him and talk to him about it…and at first he would realize and just try harder with me for about two to three days…But after those few days, it went back to me being slowly replaced and not just the feeling of being more ignored than normal, but the way Ricky was treating me had completely started to change drastically. Sure we went through some stuff where I came out about my overemotional stuff since I was clean and he had problems in Bloom when he would drink and smoke and he would mentally just be mean or pass out so we made certain rules with each other about not getting high but eventually Ricky was so proud and flattered by my actions of cleaning up for him, he offered to cut back drinking as well.
If you knew the Ricky I knew at first, he was perfect. He still is perfect to me, but the man I fell in love with would never lie and never dream of lying to me or anyone really. He couldn’t understand why people lied to begin with since he went through all that drama with Nicole (which is another long story) and if someone would accuse him of lying or hiding something, he would come out and prove it just like I did the same with him. And at first, Ricky never broke any promises to me. From big promises to little promises., he always came through. But over time in Danville, that all changed. He had only hid two things that I knew of and came clean about them and at least never lied to me. But I did notice slowly the way he was treating me gradually changed over time and he started breaking more promises, small promises at first that eventually lead to bigger broken promises and broken hearts as I can explain it in my point of view…Not only was our time together deteriorating but so seemed our relationship and within the last month and a half we had been together, we had started to argue more and more; We knew each other over a year and were seeing each other at least about seven to eight months.
The arguments did have times where they would get pretty bad. But I always tried explain what the causes were or why we would do it; Mainly they would be due to Ricky breaking his promises or because of certain actions he would do that he knew would either upset me or cause an argument but he would still do it therefore would result in my reaction. So his actions would cause my reactions; And I know, people always say about trying to talk but trust me; I tried so many times and there was no talking to him. Even when I tried, it seemed pointless and he would seem to either forget or ignore what was bothering me or whatever conflict we had. I cannot sit here though and say he was all to blame because I do know that over time I did get very over emotional and probably did take things to a level it didn’t need to be. But I never tried starting the argument. And mostly, it was really coming down to was how Ricky treated me was changing and it seemed like he wasn’t the man I fell in love with anymore at the end. But I couldn’t help but feel guilty that I would get overemotional at times but would try to explain the reasoning why and that if he gave me time I could fix it and learn how to cope and control my emotions again; I just hope that I didn’t push him away from taking to me because eventually trying to talk to him would result in him walking away from me and saying I was trying to argue when all I wanted to do was talk or express my feelings. So no communication in relationships is a big no no as everyone should know. And on top of that, not only had our communication disappeared but as Ricky always say to me yet I already knew this anyway; Couples will always have their fights or disagreements but they learn to get through them. But eventually, our fights would get worse till it reached a breaking point around Thanksgiving. After that we had agreed that we needed to try to go back to the way we were when it had been just me and him and be ‘normal’ again as we would call it. But as I felt I was always the only one trying, Ricky didn’t seem to try as much nor did he really seem to care. His drinking started getting worse and more out of hand. And even though I tried and met my end of the compromise, our relationships and our arguments seemed to actually be getting a lot better. We had one more bad argument in which Ricky and his nephew did what he had never done to me before and just took off to a hotel for the night right after he swore on my life about not leaving the house and he would come up and talk if I gave him a few minutes. I was so upset and a rollercoaster of emotions when he never came back until the next morning and I admit I freaked out and made things worse and he left again for the day and eventually said he couldn’t sleep without me that night and invited me to the hotel he was staying at. After we had made up, we went home together the next morning. Three days go by and I actually changed after that incident; I realized I really couldn’t lose him and it killed me when I had to sleep alone. I was so careful to control my emotions better and to not argue and I really thought things were getting better and we had been getting along. Just when I thought we were doing so much better; the worst feeling of my life. The last night we had spent together, we had watched a movie and I was expressing my feelings on how in the past few days it seemed as though he was getting distant and wouldn’t touch me as much lately…I definitely was not trying to argue where he said I was and thought I was being ridiculous. Right before we went to sleep, he said that he ‘loves me and he really means it’. The next morning, he finds some foil that I had found down in the basement the first time he left and wanted to show him thinking it was Brandon’s friends or something and he blamed me. I was about to go to clinic and told him I would get copies of my drugs tests from there and explained to him where I really found them. He swore on his daughter’s life he believed me and I remembered an incident in Bloom when it was just me and him; He had found some kind of bag in the toilet that I would keep my earrings and lip rings in but somebody informed him it looked like drug stuff. He confronted me, upset and I assured him and showed him what I used them for, called people who knew what I use them for and then the next day agreed to prove it by getting a drug test in which I did and passed and he was relieved. This time, after I get all my copies and paperwork, I go back home to find him and nephew had packed all their clothes and belongings and took off, taking both cars which is something he never done before. I was absolutely devastated. I never wanted him to leave and was trying so hard to never have to go through that experience again.
After he explained about he had be drinking and he gets ‘stupid’ as he said and the only excuse he had for lying and avoiding me, I had started thinking that he possibly maybe lost control and went out on a drinking binge? He also said he couldn’t stand the arguing and he was ‘confused’, but that had made no sense to me because the day he had packed and left we didn’t even argue that morning. We agreed I would get my test results and show him to prove that it wasn’t my stuff and I even showed him pictures I took of the stuff in the basement where I originally found it…I thought about how I should have seen the signs with everything; Each holiday seemed to be ruined over his drinking or ignoring me…And when Christmas and New Years came, he had two weeks off and began drinking more during the day. Rick loved working and going to work because he was a lot like me; We were very similar in many ways really but one was that we couldn’t really sit still and had to get our minds off thinking about different things or as I put it; I can’t really be in my head too much. So he would work to get things off his mind but if he had off, instead of just drinking at night, he started drinking during the day. He did this for about a week before when he had gotten sick earlier that month. In the process of finishing the rest of this real life story...Lol! WILL UPDATE SOON!!
So far it is going on three weeks that Ricky has not come back to the house. He has texted me every single day about coming back home and missing me and that he would definitely be back but has lied or made up excuses every time. After two weeks, he ended up supposedly going back to California and after staying there almost this past week, made a decision to sell his house as he tells me and claimed to had gotten an apartment overnight which to me is impossible. He says it in California but the next morning he ended up picking up the Honda in Bloomsburg, PA so he made all these decisions without me of course and I think that's a lie beause unless he planned it there is no way he went from California to PA overnight. He sent a picture of the car and it was the day of the big snow storm so he sends it almost fucking with my head saying hes in PA but claims he's alone and got a cab to pick up the car which I know there is no cab services in Bloom! So maybe he is with another girl since he kind of did that with me when we got together and talked to Nicole the whole time? Who knows but he tells me he's going to a hotel? A few days before (he called like three or four times since he had left) and the lasat time he told me he had a job in New Jersey and had to be back by Monday and that the police gave him till Monday to pick up the car so I know all of this is lies. And if he was really coming back, why drive ten minutes to get a hotel when our house is only ten minutes from Bloomsburg? He would have just been home...He has not helped me once. When he was in California and before he left he told me I can come out there with him and we would start over out there....BUt no he wastes all this money on drinking, hotel rooms and new apartments but can't get me a plane ticket? I am three months pregnant with his baby and I have no idea what is going on with this leased house in his name or any of the bills...I have some help from my father but he might be going to jail on the upcoming fourth and then I have nobody. Ricky tells me every single week he has to be back for some job he has or some reason but never shows up and just lies and makes excuses. He plays these fucked up head ggaems with me and knows that I can't mentally take it and knows that I actually almost commited suicide once or twice since then...Maybe alcohol makes somebody fucked up but he is not drunk all the time...and there is no excuse for some of the things he is doing and had done. He knows he could come talk to me in person any time and save our relationship but yet he doesn't and makes up lies and says he feels bad but it makes no sense and alcohol does not turn somebody into a pathelogical liar overnight or monster like he has become. He does not show any remorse or give a fuck about me or his unborn child...
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diary of the heartbroken;
these will just be the most recent entries, dates and situations that have occurred over the past month since he had left...
Just so I can keep track of all the lies and bullshit (and have definitely been keeping track and writing it all down!) and so everyone else can see what I am talking about I have created this DIARY section specifically for all the recent situations and occurances over the past month since Ricky ahd 'left' and been on his supposed drinking binger. I really just wanted to keep a record of all the shit and terrible things he has put me through lately and for everyone else to not only see and read about but to literally see all the evidence and proof below the diary section! I have posted the evidence and proof section below all these diary pages and entries! However, I know I have A LOT of updating to do when it comes to the evidence and proof section and still need to get the ball rolling and post all the pictures and copies of messages and stuff...But I most certainly will do that very soon!! It's just been a hectic past month for me...Also: This diary and evidence section(s) will not only have entries/photos from just over this past month BUT also will have ANY recent activity and situations he will be putting me through from this past month, to now (the current present day) and the future until he actually shows up in person and can talk to me face to face, give me an exact reason for his actions and most importantly; THE TRUTH! And of course, I just want all this from him so I can finally get that closure I NEED to move on in my life (well I know I won't really move on for years...But I can start!!) and I won't be left in the dark because I know I never deserved any of this.
Of course it confuses me and still does because one; looks at Ricky then look at me? I mean, Ricky was not self concious and insecure about our age differences for nothing...he knew I was out of his league but I didn't care; I Fell in love with him and had stayed loyal and honest the whole time and would have been with him forever if he had never fucked up like this...plus look at all his exes; LOL. I mean, shit, all of Ricky's exes are UGLY as hell or even if they were 'okay' or 'halfway decent looking/average', they have and never will have NOTHING on me. I am the most beautiful girl Ricky has ever been with and the most gorgeous girl he will ever (and NEVER again) have in his whole life...He will NEVER find a better girl than me! And not just for my looks either but even personality wise. I was actually in love with Ricky, loyal and honest and had the best personality of anyone he had been with and he will even admit this and the fact he can't do better. All his exes all USED him or did him wrong somehow and never actually cared or loved him like I did...So unless that's what he likes is to be used (which it does seem like that since even some people in his family do that...no names but he has told me that too and I've seen and heard it) then maybe he just wants an ugly ass girl that just uses him then and maybe that's what he likes but not me. And it mostly upsets me because of the fact that I was the best he ever had and ONLY girl he says he was actually 'in love' with or cared as much as he did out of anyone he had ever had...but yet, how all the other girls in his past, if and out of anyone, THEY were the ones who deserved to go through what he is putting me through now. NOT ME!! IF anyone deserved this, it was one of them...And the fact that guys like Ricky don't leave girls like me. I'm not used to getting left but I know he will regret it because they all do and they all eventually miss me or want me back and he says he already does but it is way too late now...Plus, number two; his actions make me and anyone else that hears about this situation think there is just a lot more going on that he won't tell me...either he is moving on and doesn't want to be with me anymore or maybe has a new girl in his life? (Or both?) I don't know, but I know alcohol DOES NOT turn somebody into a pathelogical liar overnight and if he had ever cared about me at all, he wouldn't have done the things he did and abandoned me especially me being pregnant and him knowing this with his baby...And the fact that he was around my area so many times and says he wants to try, still loves me and misses me and has never felt the way he felt about me towards anyone before and regrets what he did and wants to work everything out but yet he continues to go out of his way to avoid me and cut me from his life and will never show up in person to even talk to me? I mean, if you really loved somebody and knew the Ricky I knew, you would already know that any chance you could get to see them and be with them in person (IF YOU REALLY LOVED AND MISSED THEM which you would definitely miss them by just being away only for a few days let alone over a month...and the fact Ricky never went over two days without having sex with me or at least craving it! XD) but if you really wanted to or missed them like you said you do or actually wanted to work it out, you would take any chance you could to be with them...and if you didn't then the only logical explainiation is that you don't want to be with them or never loved or cared for them and are moving on or maybe found somebody else...Either way, you should be mature about it and not be a little pussy and run away. I know how it is to not want to hurt somebody's feelings face to face and to avoid confrontation, but if I couldn't do it in person, you bet your ass I would at least have the common curtosey and respect to at least tell them over a phone or text instead of play head games with them and fuck them up for life or not bring them any closure because I know better than ANYONE what going through that is like and having no closure to move on because that had happened to me before with someone I was just infatuated with let alone I was actually really in love with Ricky and fell so fast for him and for him to do all this I mean the first time (with the infatuation situation) it took me six to seven years just to get over him and get that closure finally...
So I know if I don't have any closure or if he keeps playing these head games with me and lets me in the dark without telling me what's really going on, I will just continue to be stuck in this depressed and heartbroken state of never knowing and what if's and I will never get over it...I don't deserve that? If you're inentionally trying to upset me and play head games, why? I mean, I already figured you out for the most part and know that you are a lying dead beat with no inention of ever seeing me again or being with me or even having me be a part of your life again...so I don't even believe you or get my hopes up about anything you say or tell me you'll do anymore. I stopped after the first two or three weeks full of let downs, lies and run arounds from you. So there is no point because you just make yourself look stupid and ridiculous and more like a liar (which also gives me more evidence and proof since you should know I've been saving EVERYTHING you tell me or say you'll do to stupid little conversations we have...) and I will just expose you since you deserve that much for waht you've been doing to me and how you have the audacity to not even feel any remorse or feel bad about it is just completely heartless and beyond me because I could never imagine trying to do that to someone and am not capable of doing something even close to that? And lastly, if what you're saying is really your true feelings and how you really feel and you really do love, miss me and want to work things out or make it right, then you do realize you are only making it worse when you say all the lies you tell me or make promises that you cannot keep for me anymore? It just makes it all worse and pushes me further away to the point we will NEVER get that chance again. YOU completely have ruined us and you keep making it worse by doing all this...I just thought there would have been some kind of truth in anything you have told me, espeicaly the part about not ever being a dead beat and how that was a 'game changer' to be having a child with someone and I have personally seen how you were with your daughter. But apparently that was just all a facade too because here I am pregnant and you go and abandon me anyway and you've known before you left that I was pregnant but you always play dumb...just like you play dumb with the plane tickets, saying how I was the only reason you wouldn't go to California and you would never leave without taking me with you there and we had even planned it. Plus I had recently told you I would definitely go out there to Cali with you if you would get the ticket and we had talked and planned it but yet you never came through so it is clear to me you do not want me anymore and just lie about everything anymore. You play dumb about the tickets acting like you didn't know I wouldn't come out there? Bullshit...more excuses that just end up being LIES anyway...I just really thought you would at least stand up and man up and take responsibility to help me with this unborn baby (since when Nicole LIED about being pregnant you treated her better than you treat me now and I really AM PREGNANT!!) but no, Nicole was right about you So now I have to move and go through all this shit and probably put this baby up for adoption because you put alcohol first and made arrangements for yourself but not us...But karma is a bitch and she will come for you soon so I am not worried about it and have been moving on just like you have been! But I refuse to even talk to Ricky until he answers my questions about lying about his feelings and avoiding me or why he never shows up in person or never got the ticket and until he can actually be honest and tell me the truth. So until then, I will continue exposing him for the scumbag liar he is.
february 3rd - 6th
Including the 5th which was his 40th birthday!! But this is my most recent entry so far...
Ricky e-mails me to talk and I have had enough at this point. He promised to pay the rent at the old place but never came through, but yet talks about getting his new apartment in California which I think is a lie. By the 3rd, I had been out of my house but unfortunately I have transmission problems with my Volvo and it finally took a minor crap on me so until my dad looks at it, my dad lets me borrow his car to get to my clinical until I am settled in the new place…Ricky moved his Harley a few days before the rent is due so he can make all these arrangements for himself but can’t pay the rent or do anything for me? But that told me he had no intention of paying it or helping because if he did he wouldn’t move the Harley, he would have paid and kept it then moved in in May.
He had left me with all the stuff in the house and just took what him and his nephew needed. I had some help moving thanks to my dad and some friends from my clinic, but cleaning out Brandon’s room we find empty heroin bags. My friend from the clinic addressed it to me at first thinking it was from my old stuff and when I asked where he found it and told me Brandon’s room, I couldn’t believe it until I was in there cleaning myself and I had found some too! So who knows what went on…But it upsets me because the day Ricky left he accused me of smoking weed or whatever and never gave me the chance to prove him wrong and all he had to do was look in his nephews room to find more drug evidence to prove that I was right all along about that…Ricky even thought that at one point though. But even after I sent him my drug tests and all the proof he still never came back…His nephew was five feet from the bathroom and left bottles full of piss in his closet for us to clean out too! Lazy and disgusting!
So once my car took a crap, I got to thinking and it upset me how he bought me the Honda to have since I have such high milage cars, but yet he takes it? Then it’s just sitting in Bloomsburg not being driven by anyone…I could be using it but no he’s too selfish or wants me out of his life that badly that he couldn’t help me even if it was for the sake of our unborn baby! He tells me he will arrange for me to have the Honda (claiming he is in California but has someone that will drive and drop it off to me) I didn’t believe him or get my hopes up for one second because the next two days it was all lies and run around and he never came through on that. His birthday comes and goes and he claims he only wants me for his birthday but I don't see how? Even when I found him at the hotel he had been telling me how he missed me and fucked up but when I went there it as “You shouldn’t be here. Why did you come? I’m not going back with you!’ And went as far as threatening the police that day! So he says and acts the complete opposite and this morning he was supposed to be sober! Usually he has some regret or remorse when he is sober but that’s how I knew he was moving on and wanted nothin to do with me…Then he wonders why I feel like there is someone else! I gave him until his birthday and had told him that a month ago! But he never bought me any plane tickets like he said and just lies or acts stupid about things so I’m not stupid to know he doesn’t really want me anymore.
Then not last night, the night before Ricky texts after blowing me off about the car and asked where I was. He said he was in Bloomsburg all of a sudden (Even though the night before he had claimed to be with his sister in California!) And I had been accusing him of lying and still staying in PA but he denied it unless he is just lying about being in Bloom but tells me he has a D.U.I. his car is on Route 11 and he got arrested and they were letting him go and he needed a ride to the liquor store and his hotel? At that time liquor stores weren’t open but maybe he didn’t know that but made me wonder where he was going or who he might have been with but when I did call the police station nobody had answered which if he was really there and being processed, someone would have definitely answered so maybe it was just another lie? But I still have a feeling and am being told he might have been staying in PA? He wouldn’t tell me the truth when I asked about him lying and telling me he was in Cali and now he was in PA? But my point is if someone really loved or cared so much and missed someone, if he ever came to PA, why wouldn’t he come see me in person or try to meet up with me? Why wouldn’t he invite me over to the hotel? Why wouldn’t he actually show he cared or still really wanted to be with me? I wouldn’t go this long without seeing someone I loved…So this is why I know he wants nothing to do with me. He just lies anymore and is a complete stranger to me. He is not the same person at all that I thought I knew and apparently had been playing me this whole time! Plus I told him since he had lied and fucked me over with the Honda (that he had bought for ME anyway but still took it and it's been in Bloomsburg just not being used or driven...selfish!!) but since he couldn't even help me with the car that he got for me and was supposed to be mine, I also told him to fuck off and that I still didn't have any car since he fucked me over on that too, remember?? Plus the fact he wouldn't even tell me the truth about where he has been or why he told me one minute he is in CA now he's in PA and why he wouldn't tell me or try and see me/meet up or invite me over...Then he wonders why I think he has someone else or is moving on and on top of that confirms my suspicions about him possibly have never have left PA or maybe he got a new place down here or has been staying here...I don't know or it most likely is just more lies! And of course I always think; he abandoned me and his unborn baby that I've been pregnant with and completely fucked me over after I never deserved it. So IF he really was at the police station and needed help, would he do the same for me (speaking as if it would have happened around the same time or within this past month of course!?) HELL NO!! He couldn't even help me with arranging me to not be homeless or have a car or even send a dollar to me or help with the baby let alone would he ever try to show his face around me because he just wants to avoid me and move on. It's all a game to him but he doesn't know he is fucking with a girl that CAN play this game better...So there was no way he deserved any kindness or help from me since he couldn't even be honest or do the same!
I do admit that there was some tension only because ever since Ricky's nephew came to stay with us, Ricky started changing the way he treated me and ignored me more and just was different...So of course he wasn't the same person anymore and I would try to talk about it and instead of talking and communicated like we used to, he would always just try and walk away or ignore me which evetually led to running away...I do know that I was hormonal from the pregnancy and could get way over emotional mostly from the hormones and espeically the methadone clinic and all the changes in my life and body but I had told him and came through with all my promises and had changed everything for the better just for him and I told him that was the one thing I would work on and evnetually I would be back to my 'normal self' again but it might take some time but eventually I did it! Unfortunately, Ricky left before he could even get to know the real me and see the amazing change back to my normal self...He would have definitely fallen in love just like any guy does when they actually get to know the real Ashlee..no conceit but it's true! :P But I'm picky and don't want just anybody...I will never get over this for years probably. I just wanted him to give me that chance to show him that I wasn't crazy and that I did feel bad about sometimes losing control or going overboard but our fights really would only be my reactions to his actions or fuck ups...I was the only one trying in the end and it did upset me. But I still do wish he would have listened and gave me the chance to show him the real me and for us to live together again, just the two of us since it had been perfect that way before...But after all this, I know I still never deserved what he did...even if I had been crazy which I wasn't! Shit, I just really loved him and cared so I'd rather be emotional than show no emotion at all because that tells me that somebody doesn't care or isn't hurting when they can't express emotion...
My son even still asks about him and it’s been rough as it is with me having to move, losing the car, being pregnant with Ricky’s baby and going through all this shit with my mom. Ricky’s sister said he had done this before which is news to me since Ricky always claimed he didn’t do this until after his mother passed away. She said when he goes on bingers it doesn’t usually last too long but he shuts everyone out when he does it. But to me it’s impossible for someone to turn into a pathological liar over night and act so different and on top of that even alcohol would not affect someone’s feelings if they were truly ‘in love’ with someone or even if they had ever cared for them…Let’s not forget he made his own arrangements and never included me or made any for me when he could have when he did his? Nothing makes sense and it’s not fair that I can’t have some sort of closure so I can just mourn in peace and move on eventually! I don’t know why he would do this to me when he claimed he never felt this way before about any girl and was in love with me but maybe he just lied the whole time! He was a really good liar then and had me fooled…he had always used to come through with promises or prove everyone wrong if they accused him of something and he never used to lie that I knew of and proved it usually. Alcohol wouldn’t do this over night to someone…And I”m just so confused. I know Ricky will never do better than me. No girl will ever love him like I did or be as beautiful as I am. He will just continue to get girls that use him and I don’t know why he didn’t do what he did to me to his exes that actually deserved it? He had been so shocked when Nicole even played games and lied to him…but yet he does the same thing to me making me think maybe she was right about a few things…
Either way I safely moved to New Jersey and had signed the paperwork last week about the adoption process. Now I am being taken care of until the baby is born by the adoptive parents and since I signed the contract, there is no going back now! I didn't want to have to do this but my sister is pregnant and I am in no situation to have another baby with no help...I don't know what to do but I do know ever since Ricky doesn’t obviously care so I am forced to move on either way but I know I will never get over this without some sort of closure in the end…Oh and let's not forget, ever since the 6th I believe? Ricky has been ignoring me ever since and hasn't gotten ahold of me or tried to talk to me at all since I told him fuck off about picking him up since he just lies and can't be honest let alone if he was in PA, he avoids me instead of trying to see me or invite me over...but no. He just asks for a ride when he fucks me over on a car and to go to the liquor store then hotel (even though no liquor store would have been open around the time he had called though..) but showed no interest in seeing me or trying to get a hold of me and letting me know he would be down...he can do all this shit but could never help me though...He can't even get a hold of me that's how much he cares, loves and misses me! Going on three days now...WOW! Until then, Will post proof later!
EVIDENCE AND PROOF:
just any real pictures or copies of messages proving me right and him a liar since he left! ;)
I will just be posting all the stuff I had been saving over the past going on over a month now since he had left and I will keep posting all the proof and evidence supporting my side and the truth of what had happened between us and I will continue posting until it is resolved or he goes back to being the normal Ricky I know and can be honest or give me some closure. Until then, he needs to be exposed for the scumbag lying deadbeat he has been until he actually can feel bad and make it up for what he has done or make things right. Just so everyone knows how much he has been lying and what he has put me through, especially the fact that he really seems to play these terrible head games and has just cocmpletely abandoned me, our unborn baby and left me heartbroken and in the dark ever since! He still texts me mostly unless I block him but he always or eventually ends up e-mailing me if I have him blocked but he never seems to be able to call but it's okay because I have all the copies of our conversations through messages, recordings and e-mails and alllll the proof I need in my favor to back up my facts and to prove I am not lying or never did and I never will either...If you hover your mouse over any of the pictures below, a bubble containing a description for that particular picture will pop up. Also, for anyone unfamiliar with 'thumbnails', they are just smaller image links that when you click on them just takes you to the actual sized image. They are not really in order though from the times I recieved them/by the date and times so when I get a chance, I will definitely put them in the right order so it will be less confusing...I will be posting more very soon! ;)
Thumbnail images is just a term for resized and usually smaller pictures that are linked to the original sized picture. All you have to do is click on the smaller version of the photo and the actual photo and it's normal size will pop up! Also, if you want to know what the picture is about, just hover the mouse over the thumbnails and a description will pop up about the picture. I will be posting more VERY SOON!
These are just the actual sized photos that I had taken from the original messages, but I did crop all of these and make them shorter and smaller so they will fit perfectly on this page too. But I only cropped them to also get the most important parts of the messages anyway...But you do not neet to click on these like I said, these are the actual sized pictures. As I said above, to get the description and details about the photo, just hover your mouse over the photo you want to know more about and it's description will pop up! Each photo will be seperated by a little page border too until I can arrange a better layout for them. I will be posting more very soon!
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'Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn't care about losing you.'
'You didn't love her. You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was just good for your ego. Or maybe, she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her. Because you don't destroy people you love.'
'You've got a lot to say for being the one that walked away...'
'You gave me up so easily...'
'When love is real, it doesn't lie, cheat, pretend, hurt you or make you feel unwanted. It's supposed to be a cure to all your worries.'
'If I treated you the way you treated me; You would hate me.'
'It may seem like the hardest thing to do but you have to forget the guy who forgot about you.'
'With all the smiles you brough me, I never thought that you could cause me so many tears...'
'Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectation.'
'It's so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember...'
'The people who are quick to walk away are the ones who never intended to stay.'
'I'm always the one who loves more. That's my problem..'
'A girl doesn't need anyone who doesn't need her.'
'Isn't it sad when you get hurt so much, you can finall say; "I'm used to it."'
'It's better to break your own heart by leaving, rather than having that person break your heart every day you're with them.'
'Sometimes we aren't meant to get over someone. And then we go on living a little bit emptier.'
'You don't know what it feels like when you ignore me. I just feel so paranoid, all day I'll be thinking; What have I done wrong?'
'Missing someone is a horrible feeling, but knowing they don't miss you back is so much worse.'
'Don't feel sad over someone who gave up on you. Feel sad for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them.'
'I wanna do exactly what you did to me. Lead you on. Make you fall for me. Then just let you go.'
'People ask me why I still love him? Honestly, I don't really know but there's something about him and I just can't let him go. '
'Never go back to an old love; No matter how strong it is, becasue it's like reading a book over and over again when you already know how it ends.'
'I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too.'
'If you leave someone, at least tell them why. Because what's more painful than being abandoned; is knowing you're not worth an explaination.'
'That's always the hardest thing when someone completely has you fooled so much, that you think they're just never going to hurt you, then they do. That's when you get the worst heartbreak.'
'I wish I could go back to the day I met you and just walk away. Because honestly, it would've saved me so much hurt and pain.'
'The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.'
'Maybe one day, I'll be what you need. But don't wait too long...because the day you want me, may be the day I've finally given up...'
'Why can't you love like me?'
'Just for once, I wanna be somebody's first and only choice.'
'I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did. And you didn't mean to hurt me, but you did.'
'It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about how easily you tricked me into thinking you actually cared about me. What if everyone has been doing this to me this whole entire time to get what they want from me? Because of you, I'm now afraid to trust people.'
'I wish that I had never met you. Then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need for loving you. No need for crying over you. No need for heartbreaks. No need for pain or tears. No need for forgotten or broken promises. No need for being rejected or avoided. No need for crying myself to sleep. No need for acting like you care. No need for everything you've done to make me feel like absolutely nothing...'
'You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.'
'I knew I was right about you all along. I just wish I was wrong about it.'
'I will never forget the things you said to me. Not because they mattered but because they made me feel like I did.'
'One of the worst things about going through the pain that comes with heartbreak is the thought that the person you're crying over may even feel as though you're dying over is off enjoying themselves and are not the elast bit concerned and could care less about the pain you're going through...what's even more fucked up is you're probably right.'
'Love ends too quickly and heartbreak lasts too long.'
'She's beautiful but she'll never admit it. Music is her life, literally. Ask for a good song and she'll give you five. Sweats and wearing her hair down are her trademarks. She's afraid of the dark and obsessed with her friends. When she smiles her whole face lights up. And her heart is broken by a guy who doesn't love her. And you know what? She actually cares.'
'I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast because every time I fall in love...it never seems to last.'
'Love leaves a memory that no one can steal. But sometimes, it leaves a heartache that no one else can heal...'
'I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you'll eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.'
'If you think you're in love, run your head into a brick wall. It'll hurt a lot less in the end.'
'Don't break anybody's heart, they only have one. Break their bones, they have 206.'
'Dear brain, I know he's all you think about but I think we need to move on, I mean, he already has...'
'Fuck you for leaving me when I needed you the most!'
'It's like once you've been hurt, you're so scared to get attached again. Like you have this fear that every person you start to like is going to just break you heart.'
'She's a little scared to get close to anyone because everyone that ever said; "I'll always be here for you.", left.'
'I used to think that I was the one who messed up. That you were the one who was too good for me. That everyone else was just lying, trying to help me feel better. That I'd be dumb for letting you go. That I should just keep trying. That I was in over my head. But now? I know your the one who lost me. And you will never find better or get one of my tears again.'